I got pulled over while parked on the side of the road yesterday. How you ask? I was driving along a quiet Route 13 in Indiana and the sun started to set across an array of exciting cornfields. You know how exciting cornfields are. I slowed my car, did a K-turn, also known as a 3-point turn, pulled over to the side by a farmhouse driveway to take a picture. I could have easily just kept driving and appreciated the moment, but no, that wouldn’t get any me likes. I turned my car off and opened the door at which point a police car rolled up with his blue and red lights on. I did not know what to do at that point given my trigger finger was already on Instagram. I closed my door and sat there. The officer, of small town cornfield Indiana descent, walked up to my car which I immediately thought, oh shit, my car is off, I have to turn it on to roll down my windows.
The rental car that I have does not have a physical insert key, meaning you just push a button and it starts. I felt a little uneasy, like men usually do if they can't physically insert something. But I was also scared, because I didn't want the officer to think I was starting the car in an attempt to drive off and end up becoming a YouTube video. I thought, damn I can’t believe I haven’t shaved in 2 weeks. I pushed the button; the car turned on, the officer was unscathed. Me too. I rolled my window down, and asked if everything was ok and he said he pulled me over (I was already parked) because he saw me do an illegal u-turn and he wanted to know if I was ok. I thought, how considerate of this officer to inquire about my emotional well-being, which must have been very difficult to see with the sun shining so vividly through the clear glass windows on my hairy brown face blocking the view from my heart.
I said officer, it's really nice out and Indiana is beautiful, I wanted to take a picture of the sun while it set. He said where are you from? I said I'm visiting from NY. He said, oh really, why do you have Missouri license plates? I said, I'm a comedian and I did a show in Missouri and I'm headed to do a show in Indiana. This is my rental car. I then looked at my gifted teddy bear buckled up in the passenger seat for corroboration. My teddy bear, whom I nicknamed Toasty, was a gift from the scool the night before, and was unfortunately napping underneath my jean jacket. God damn you Toasty, you were supposed to be lookout! The officer asked me for my license. I thought to myself, I didn't do a U-turn, in fact I'm not on a highway, I'm on an empty route that is not big enough to do a U-turn and there are no signs that indicated I couldn't turn. Also I was parked. Also there are farms and small houses pattered across this route, so people must have to park or turn out at some point during the day when their not on Pinterest. I don’t think I did anything illegal. I gave my license while in a confused state of mind saying, "You need to see my license?" The officer then gave a nasty look. He asked me if there was anything on my record he's going to find. I said fuck you. Internally. Externally I said, “No.” He then asked if I had anything in my car he should know about. I thought of all the dead bodies that I didn't have in my trunk and said," No." The officer did a background check, walkie talkied some important walkie talkie people, I came back clear and he told me never to question an officer asking for a license again.
I said Ok. He said he's going to let me slide this time. I said thank you. He then said, you can go ahead and take that Instagram picture. I said, It's ok, I don't need the picture. This was no longer a moment I wanted to capture. He said, “Be Safe.” I said, “You are the only person on this road I need to be safe from.” He said nothing, because I would never actually say that out loud. I just said, “Ok,” and then uncomfortably mentioned that If I am to resume towards my destination I have to turn this car back in the direction I was originally headed in. He said, “Go ahead, it's NOT A BIG DEAL”...thanks for reading.